A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
