you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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