I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
