I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
