I faked an abortion last night.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
