I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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