I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Randomize
