I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize