Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
vagina is talking i cant
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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