i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
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