dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
