goodnight i made you a song goodbye
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
