Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
