I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
