I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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