I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
