Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
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