somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
COCAINE IS GR8
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
