I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
there was a trapeze. enough said
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
