turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
