mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
