Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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