I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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