just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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