I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
