Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
