is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
areolas are like halos for boobs.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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