dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
