Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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