i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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