I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
