i may or may not be watching the land before time
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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