How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Woke up backwards on a recliner
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize