imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
did i just pee glitter
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Randomize
