You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
