the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
