Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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