I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize