When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
