I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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