I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
