im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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