so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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