the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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