Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
