I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
