I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
im about as happy as oj after his trial
operation harelip BJ is a go
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
