I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Randomize
