I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
