Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
