i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
