Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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