My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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