Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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