Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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