I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Randomize
