My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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