I'm going to jail i love you
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
