We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Randomize
